Thursday, October 16, 2008

Contemplating life

Sometimes in life you got to ask "WHY?". Today I am home contemplating life. Why did my life turn out the way it did? What was it did for it to be this way? I thought would never write about my divorce, but sometimes you just got to get it out. My sister says writing like this is therapeutic. I guess it is. Please feel free to read the rest of the post if you like. If don’t want to read any further thanks for stopping by.

On February 14, 2007 (ok, I know it is Valentines Day – bad choice on my part) I filed for a divorce from my wife. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I believe there are only two reasons to get divorced (Marital infidelity and death). I worried back then and still now about what would happen to my kids. Would they be taken care of? By July 23, 2007 I was officially divorced. My ex is really lucky in the respect that I didn’t fight with her over custody of the kids and over how we split things. I don’t think she understands how lucky she was. I wanted what was best for my kids and a long drawn out ugly divorce would not have been good for them.

Was I the perfect husband? No. I don’t think you can use perfect and anything in the same sentence, because nothing is perfect. Was I a good attentive husband? Yes, for a long time in the marriage I believe I was. I loved my ex-wife. When the divorce was final and we finally were split it was worse than if she died. The last couple of year’s marriage I was hoping my ex would leave me and do what I didn’t want to do. After a couple of years and a really ugly fight I left. I figured she never would as she was getting what she wanted from the relationship. I was around for one or two reasons and that was it. There was no "love" returned on her part.

I had a friend from Texas (was my manager at the time) and she described me as a simple man with simple needs. This is true. What I wanted from my marriage was simple. I wanted someone who loved me for who I am and who wasn’t looking for Brad Pitt, George Cloney, on Tom Cruz. I wanted a partner in life and mother for my children. Someone who is honest, trustworthy, faithful, kind, and caring, who didn’t smoke or drink. Someone to work with me through the ups and downs of life. Someone who would work with me on the family finances, in raising the children, and at keeping our house clean and neat. Someone who would be concerned about my well being (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Someone who could enjoy quite times together and simple things in life like siting on a park bench talking and wouldn’t be bored. Someone who is willing to admit they are wrong and say I am sorry at times. Someone who understands that we can’t talk all the time and doesn’t need constant attention or that needs to be in constant contact. Someone who would allow me to be me and go out by my self and take a ride or train pictures for a while so that I can commune with God or just clear my head (hear my self think). I think it is ok to have our own interests and personal time as long as it is done in moderation. We would need to be fairly close on the religious issues as well and if they were old fashioned that wold be great. I am a big believer in you have to be willing to give back what you are asking for. Now, I blame my self for not seeing my ex for what she was. I will plead guilty to being stupid!

I considered the possibility of trying again. Putting my feet back into the dating pool to see if the water is absolutely ice cold or not. If I were to try again today the main concern would be would the person be good to my children. Would they treat them like they were one of their own. Could I trust this person to be alone with my children if needed. I wouldn’t want to be pressured in any way. This means to do things I don’t want to do (wink, wink). Or to be rushed to get to the alter. If I connected with someone and we talked and had enough in common and went out for the first time and I was blatantly honest with them about my situation and accepted a second date would that be a good test of character for that person? What I mean by this is tell them some details of life so far and that I have no money to date today. Dates for me would need to be really low key maybe Mc Donalds for dinner, a walk in the part to talk, or diet coke and conversation somewhere. I guess I would be asking for a lot.

If I did decide to date again, I would fully want my family’s opinion on it. The stakes would be way too high. I read on the Internet that it is usually a bad sign if the family doesn’t like the person you are with. If your family likes the person then you have probably made a good choice. I think this is true. One member of my family had my ex pegged before we were married. I should have listened. Hopefully today I would be older and wiser (not a guarantee as I still do stupid things). I have a friend that I call "Spidey" that I would ask to meet the person and if their "Spider Senses" tingle they are under orders to hit me with a frying pan if I won’t listen to them. The other thought is would this just be a selfish act on my part and how traumatic would it be for the kids?

On final thought before I stop rambling along here. I feel sorry for my ex-wife. I don’t believe she will ever understand what was lost. I don’t think she will understand what it is to be a good parent. I am not the world’s greatest parent, but if the kids look back and can say that daddy was there for us then I succeeded at something. I hope, for her sake, and the kid’s sake, that she understands some day. If she finally understands it will be the greatest day of the kid’s lives. We are over and I don’t want her back. On Friday she is leaving for a week to be in Tennessee with her new found significant other. The kids are going to be with baby sitters for a week. I just made arrangements to go see them on Wednesday night next week. My ex called and said she appreciated the fact that I was coming to see them. I said I didn’t want them going a week without contact with a parent. She said I would be talking with them on a regular basis. I said, "It’s not the same". I refused to comment further as it wouldn’t have done me any good.

If you are still reading this please feel free to comment. Be blunt if you want. Thank you!!
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