Thursday, October 16, 2008

Contemplating life

Sometimes in life you got to ask "WHY?". Today I am home contemplating life. Why did my life turn out the way it did? What was it did for it to be this way? I thought would never write about my divorce, but sometimes you just got to get it out. My sister says writing like this is therapeutic. I guess it is. Please feel free to read the rest of the post if you like. If don’t want to read any further thanks for stopping by.

On February 14, 2007 (ok, I know it is Valentines Day – bad choice on my part) I filed for a divorce from my wife. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I believe there are only two reasons to get divorced (Marital infidelity and death). I worried back then and still now about what would happen to my kids. Would they be taken care of? By July 23, 2007 I was officially divorced. My ex is really lucky in the respect that I didn’t fight with her over custody of the kids and over how we split things. I don’t think she understands how lucky she was. I wanted what was best for my kids and a long drawn out ugly divorce would not have been good for them.

Was I the perfect husband? No. I don’t think you can use perfect and anything in the same sentence, because nothing is perfect. Was I a good attentive husband? Yes, for a long time in the marriage I believe I was. I loved my ex-wife. When the divorce was final and we finally were split it was worse than if she died. The last couple of year’s marriage I was hoping my ex would leave me and do what I didn’t want to do. After a couple of years and a really ugly fight I left. I figured she never would as she was getting what she wanted from the relationship. I was around for one or two reasons and that was it. There was no "love" returned on her part.

I had a friend from Texas (was my manager at the time) and she described me as a simple man with simple needs. This is true. What I wanted from my marriage was simple. I wanted someone who loved me for who I am and who wasn’t looking for Brad Pitt, George Cloney, on Tom Cruz. I wanted a partner in life and mother for my children. Someone who is honest, trustworthy, faithful, kind, and caring, who didn’t smoke or drink. Someone to work with me through the ups and downs of life. Someone who would work with me on the family finances, in raising the children, and at keeping our house clean and neat. Someone who would be concerned about my well being (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Someone who could enjoy quite times together and simple things in life like siting on a park bench talking and wouldn’t be bored. Someone who is willing to admit they are wrong and say I am sorry at times. Someone who understands that we can’t talk all the time and doesn’t need constant attention or that needs to be in constant contact. Someone who would allow me to be me and go out by my self and take a ride or train pictures for a while so that I can commune with God or just clear my head (hear my self think). I think it is ok to have our own interests and personal time as long as it is done in moderation. We would need to be fairly close on the religious issues as well and if they were old fashioned that wold be great. I am a big believer in you have to be willing to give back what you are asking for. Now, I blame my self for not seeing my ex for what she was. I will plead guilty to being stupid!

I considered the possibility of trying again. Putting my feet back into the dating pool to see if the water is absolutely ice cold or not. If I were to try again today the main concern would be would the person be good to my children. Would they treat them like they were one of their own. Could I trust this person to be alone with my children if needed. I wouldn’t want to be pressured in any way. This means to do things I don’t want to do (wink, wink). Or to be rushed to get to the alter. If I connected with someone and we talked and had enough in common and went out for the first time and I was blatantly honest with them about my situation and accepted a second date would that be a good test of character for that person? What I mean by this is tell them some details of life so far and that I have no money to date today. Dates for me would need to be really low key maybe Mc Donalds for dinner, a walk in the part to talk, or diet coke and conversation somewhere. I guess I would be asking for a lot.

If I did decide to date again, I would fully want my family’s opinion on it. The stakes would be way too high. I read on the Internet that it is usually a bad sign if the family doesn’t like the person you are with. If your family likes the person then you have probably made a good choice. I think this is true. One member of my family had my ex pegged before we were married. I should have listened. Hopefully today I would be older and wiser (not a guarantee as I still do stupid things). I have a friend that I call "Spidey" that I would ask to meet the person and if their "Spider Senses" tingle they are under orders to hit me with a frying pan if I won’t listen to them. The other thought is would this just be a selfish act on my part and how traumatic would it be for the kids?

On final thought before I stop rambling along here. I feel sorry for my ex-wife. I don’t believe she will ever understand what was lost. I don’t think she will understand what it is to be a good parent. I am not the world’s greatest parent, but if the kids look back and can say that daddy was there for us then I succeeded at something. I hope, for her sake, and the kid’s sake, that she understands some day. If she finally understands it will be the greatest day of the kid’s lives. We are over and I don’t want her back. On Friday she is leaving for a week to be in Tennessee with her new found significant other. The kids are going to be with baby sitters for a week. I just made arrangements to go see them on Wednesday night next week. My ex called and said she appreciated the fact that I was coming to see them. I said I didn’t want them going a week without contact with a parent. She said I would be talking with them on a regular basis. I said, "It’s not the same". I refused to comment further as it wouldn’t have done me any good.

If you are still reading this please feel free to comment. Be blunt if you want. Thank you!!

6 comments:

Sheila said...

The best way to be good for your kids and possibly someone else is to make sure you're happy with you first. Also knowing you like I do... look for someone close to your roots. If they would fit in with Mom and dad and our aunts, uncles, etc then you're good as gold. But as I stated before you look make sure you're content with who you are by yourself first.

Ritchie said...

Life is fine the way it is today. It is way better than it was when I was married to my ex. I think I have a better understanding of what I want in person. It would take a special person to accept me the way I am today and to accept the kids. Do people who are kind, careing, considerate, trustworthy, and honest exist anymore?

It may be the answer is I stay single the rest of the my life. If that is what God intends for me then I have to accept that. I have a great relationship with my kids today.

Ritchie said...

Life is fine the way it is today. It is way better than it was when I was married to my ex. I think I have a better understanding of what I want in person. It would take a special person to accept me the way I am today and to accept the kids. Do people who are kind, careing, considerate, trustworthy, and honest exist anymore?

It may be the answer is I stay single the rest of the my life. If that is what God intends for me then I have to accept that. I have a great relationship with my kids today.

Sheila said...

yes there are a few people left who are kind, caring and loving... so if it's meant to be it will be.

ida said...

ok richie let me clear the air. i didnt want you to get a divorce from your ex. you were not going threw the same problems that i had plus you had kids together. so i am sorry that this all happened to you and i still greive for you both even though you are both happy. i could go threw the list of reasons that i got a divorce. physical, mental abuse. money problems up the axx. thank God we had no kids. thank God. i mainly got a divorce becouse i enjoy being alive and not dead. i love living life. i have no idea how long you have been divorced. but i do recommend church and not dating (ie....sleeping with someone). its ok to date. but you need to establish a good friendship and this will take time and you dont need sex messing this up. lol i learned this threw a good friend of mine. we are the sex free boyfriend and girlfriend in our 40's and 50's. you can be close without the hangups. besides we are both busy people and i have told him that i didnt really want to tell my daughter one thing but not be able to live the truth too with her. so i have a very pg/g rated home with no drinking, drugs, try to keep cussing on a very low growl. and pretty much trying to live what i preach. he is getting his mba, taking care of sick parents (he lives down the street from them in the "hood") and working full time. we are on different shifts so it makes it harder. but, no matter what happens i wont beleive in rumors and i will put our friendship first. and i agree i may end up staying single for the rest of my life too. well that is my take on the divorce turned single again life with a kid.

Ritchie said...

Thanks Ida. I told a friend about what happened to me in my marriage and he said at the end of the conversation “It wasn't right what she did to you, but you are a better man today”. I am sorry that you went through all you did with your marriage, but the bottom line is that you are a better woman today.

As far as Sex goes the type of woman I am looking for wouldn’t want that before marriage. You are on the write track. Stick to your guns and keep up the good work. If your boy friend really loves you then he will wait and it will be great.

I too have come to the realization that if I want my son to be a better man than I am then I need to be the man I want him to be. I need to be his role model. I also need to be a role model for my daughter as well. With mom in Tennesse it was a tough weekend. The kids thought someone kid napped dad as I used calm gentle tones with them. And Yes, we need to practice what we preach.