Monday, October 19, 2009

The injustice of life.

Tonight I sit with a broken heart. I just came back from a counseling session for my son. I have fought to keep him off medication, because I believe in my heart that he doesn't need it. He is a great little boy. When he is with me he is a normal little boy. God knows I have fought for him and his sister too. I was told they are putting him on medications for anxiety and something else. I don't believe that he needs medications at all.

When I met mom mom claimed to be a Christian woman. She was a member of the Later Day Saints church. Before we got divorced she had left the Later Day Saints church and joined a United Brethren church claiming to be a good Christian woman. Now, most have read that I am working on rebuilding my life and getting closer to God. My hope is he will forgive me for all the things I have done at some point. One of the commandments is to "Love thy neighbor as thy self". I think this means to have a general concern for all humans and their spiritual well being. So in that light it breaks my heart to see her destroying her life. I just don't understand why she would want to destroy her children's life too.

After the divorce mom did a complete 180 degree turn and started doing things that she didn't do before. She stopped going to church, started drinking, going to bars, and etc. She was taught better than this at both the churches she attended. I have went to both even though I am Old Regular Baptist. Yes, I would have anxiety too if one of my parents went completely off the deep end. I might have anxiety too if when I got home I didn't know what we might be doing for the evening. Unplanned events are ok sometimes, but all the time is a little much in my opinion. The sad fact here is no one seems to care that this is part of his problems. He remembers how she was and doesn't trust , respect, or admire her. He may quite possibly harbor some anger toward her as well.

Eighteen months ago I asked myself this question "If I were my children would I like my life? How would I look at my dad and what might I think of him?" Eighteen months ago I didn't like the answer. Today, I am a much different person. Today when the kids come to visit things go a lot smoother, but it took a lot of hard work. It didn't happen overnight. I want to be the best example I can be for those kids. As most of you know on August 3, 2009 I gave up cussing. Cussing had almost become part of my everyday language it was so automatic for me. I just think it is sad that mom is taking the easy way out. I believe that a good parent would walk across hot coals for the children. I believe that a good parent would give their life to save their children. I don't think good parents are selfish and self centered. They give to their children and put their children first. In my sons case, he needs full time parenting from his mom and she may have to give up some of her life style. That might be tough. Is she will to do so to keep her son off medication? Trust me this might not be easy, I had to give up things I felt were wrong for the Lord God above. At least one has been a on and off struggle. The tempation is great and constant, but I just pray to the Lord for strength. And a good parent would never stop fighting for their children ever. I will continue to fight, but my hope at this point looks dim.

The bad part of this is I will be required to give him medication that I don't believe in. If I felt it was necessary I would be the first to give it to him, but I truly believe mom could do some things that would help if she wanted to. I hope mom still fears God to some degree. She needs to remember this passage from Mark. Mark 8:36 says: " For what shall it profit a man..., if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" I know I put this on my blog recently, but it was worth repeating.

I usually don't post things like this out here, but is one of my therapeutic tools I use to get stuff off my mind as much as I can. Tonight, before I lay down to sleep, I will again pray for my children. I will again pray that my ex-wife sees the light and changes her ways before it is too late. She was taught the way, and had a bible to read when we were together. I will pray that she loves her son enough to ask herself the same tough questions I asked. Find out if she were the child living with her would she be happy. Especially if she were somewhat of a homebody. I am not saying be home all the time. I am saying find the right mix. I would like to know what she will say to God Almighty on judgment day. What excuse would she like to try to make.
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